what goes around

it’s the phoenix’s fire
burns irregular
blue and safe
it’s protective

so enter the ring

I am rain
when it’s night
the grove sings

I am peace
reborn
when all’s said and done

good enough

諦めるんじゃねえぞ

colloquialism for the command never give up

which I need right now

ネバーギブアップ

Nebāgibuappu

say goodbye

and i told him in my dream i miss you i miss you

but who you are now is not who you were

when i knew you the best

and i asked him to let me go

and he smiled again at me and said

ditto 

and i laughed and i cried 

and i pray i never see him again 

because to have the tranquil refuge of my dream 

invaded by his presence, once loved,

is just another waking hell
please let this be the last time i see you

strangers know my work story

like, not from my blog, but from gossip, so word gets around. 

I have been triggered and in panic mode for several hours because somebody told me to just “get over” the traumatic lay off I had in November that caused me to lose everything. It’s like, telling somebody they don’t look sick when mental illness and “invisible illness” is… invisible. 

The consequence of me being laid off is that I am bursting with bitterness for this company. It hasn’t consumed my life. While I attempt to build back up, to have a stranger tell me to just get over it, really is a downer. Like, do you think I’d dwell on it if I knew NOT dwelling on it would make me ten million times better? I’d like to think I’m better than I was, and definitely in a better state of mind than self-loathing. 

I don’t know. I feel like I need to unfriend my friend who is mutual with this other person. All our interactions have been negative. I thought I was over my old job enough to be friends with her again, but maybe the mere fact that she works there is enough to keep the tension. 

On a more positive note, I guess I’m looking at graduate school. I’d like to move forward with that. I’m excited to keep looking.