and i told him in my dream i miss you i miss you
but who you are now is not who you were
when i knew you the best
and i asked him to let me go
and he smiled again at me and said
and i laughed and i cried
and i pray i never see him again
because to have the tranquil refuge of my dream
invaded by his presence, once loved,
is just another waking hell
please let this be the last time i see you
like, not from my blog, but from gossip, so word gets around.
I have been triggered and in panic mode for several hours because somebody told me to just “get over” the traumatic lay off I had in November that caused me to lose everything. It’s like, telling somebody they don’t look sick when mental illness and “invisible illness” is… invisible.
The consequence of me being laid off is that I am bursting with bitterness for this company. It hasn’t consumed my life. While I attempt to build back up, to have a stranger tell me to just get over it, really is a downer. Like, do you think I’d dwell on it if I knew NOT dwelling on it would make me ten million times better? I’d like to think I’m better than I was, and definitely in a better state of mind than self-loathing.
I don’t know. I feel like I need to unfriend my friend who is mutual with this other person. All our interactions have been negative. I thought I was over my old job enough to be friends with her again, but maybe the mere fact that she works there is enough to keep the tension.
On a more positive note, I guess I’m looking at graduate school. I’d like to move forward with that. I’m excited to keep looking.
it was cloudy out but it did not rain, so that was good
went to lake Harriet in search of blossoming flowers at the rose garden, but none were to be found
we found a waterfall at the peace garden
here is me with the photographer Blair Moore
Photographer, Digital Artist, Cool Human
they say the way to my stomach is to feed me divinity
but what does it take to find the way to my mind?
my mind is like a cake and not everyone can bake, so you see the issue here is how to gain exposure to the vulnerability that quickly manifests itself;
dawdling around aimlessly like a limping child –
and it cries out in starvation for contact and knowledge but will not let anybody in
the dilemma here is that there are carved out crevices that belong to those who hold pieces of my heart while my heart is an empty cavity that’s bound to erupt, implode, causing my rib cage to splinter me
but wanting to know and wanting to be known are two separate primal drives:
the first will help enhance the second, but first I need to take a second
to figure out where i need to lay my sheets and remove my shoes and undo my hair and feel a peaceful “home”
it’s not all linear, unlike what i was taught so i am in the middle of a journey with no end until the end of my journey leaves me dead