it’s the phoenix’s fire
burns irregular
blue and safe
it’s protective
so enter the ring
I am rain
when it’s night
the grove sings
I am peace
reborn
when all’s said and done
it’s the phoenix’s fire
burns irregular
blue and safe
it’s protective
so enter the ring
I am rain
when it’s night
the grove sings
I am peace
reborn
when all’s said and done
and i told him in my dream i miss you i miss you
but who you are now is not who you were
when i knew you the best
and i asked him to let me go
and he smiled again at me and said
ditto
and i laughed and i cried
and i pray i never see him again
because to have the tranquil refuge of my dream
invaded by his presence, once loved,
is just another waking hell
please let this be the last time i see you
they say the way to my stomach is to feed me divinity
but what does it take to find the way to my mind?
my mind is like a cake and not everyone can bake, so you see the issue here is how to gain exposure to the vulnerability that quickly manifests itself;
dawdling around aimlessly like a limping child –
and it cries out in starvation for contact and knowledge but will not let anybody in
the dilemma here is that there are carved out crevices that belong to those who hold pieces of my heart while my heart is an empty cavity that’s bound to erupt, implode, causing my rib cage to splinter me
but wanting to know and wanting to be known are two separate primal drives:
the first will help enhance the second, but first I need to take a second
to figure out where i need to lay my sheets and remove my shoes and undo my hair and feel a peaceful “home”
it’s not all linear, unlike what i was taught so i am in the middle of a journey with no end until the end of my journey leaves me dead
tell me more about her
as if i didn’t already know of her tremendous impact
she laughs with her nostrils
a certain flair billows from her smile, showing no gum
we were strangers in eternity but for one calculated bond forged by literature, laughter, and our womanhoods
she would grumble and i would grin
we sought hidden corners and would converse for hours
i miss her straightened body that spoke of protection and comfort but, and she told me, had never been experienced
and i am enthralled by her memory
four years later and she will come to me in a dream
and the dream is sensual, but indifferent to eroticism
it makes my heart burn! why!
she will twirl on a pedestal, a fragile ballerina, plié, like on the stage in the setting of an encapsulated, translucent globe
her inexperience is not with herself or her confidence
so enamored
i scream and reach for her, “come to me,” to let me see her with my embrace
but the pleading is hushed by the rippling energy that weaves and hums from her as she smiles, but blank, unaware of my presence through the looking glass
i scream
i scream
and i love her. i decide to fall back
the best life she could ever have is one without me. her brown eyes close, her nudity becomes draped with my twin size duvet
she fades
a longing, unfulfilled by choice, that has driven me mad will continue
an addictive prescription
i sit crossed legged at my therapist’s office
“tell me about how you are doing”
i don’t know. heart broken for nostalgia.
the memory of a person, lost.
dépaysement.
a je ne sais quoi that je ne sais que seule
i fear that the best day i’ve had since my wedding will be counterbalanced by a worse day than when i had to watch my father die
i felt the sun on my face for hours at a time
and forgot my depression, for that while
felt beautiful surrounded by the remaining azaleas
even the empty japanese pond, with a single, lingering koi had meaning
i want injustice resolved
and respect repaid
i want love to feel good within me
find something to give my whole self to
may i?
an entire cosmic aura appeared to me at night
helped me hold against the quagmire’s fragility
shielded me against the miasma of repression; my shield, of all ironies
and made my temperature mild and bearable while i slept
and maybe it was the voice of God
and maybe it was my own ego
but i truly, truest, true
encountered serendipity
and Diana danced with me, laurels included
but tell me, tell me, tell me about how you are doing
“tell me about how you are doing”
“i’m fine, thank you.”