Since coming to the conclusion I was just a loud introvert (rather than being an extrovert) I have found peace in solitude but I’ve also found a stronger loneliness when I try to connect with people. Friends I have had for a while.
And with my aversion to change, I watch them all go about their lives. They don’t seem to acknowledge me or want anything to do with me. They do what we did together with their new friends.
In the end I just have Facebook friends. They can be my best friends who I genuinely want to keep in contact with or they can be people I just say Hello to now and then. But the worst part is coming back after a while thinking it will be like old times and it isn’t. It isn’t even a gentle change. It’s an entire new century of friendship and I haven’t been paying attention.
And as much as feeling like I’m losing people or that they are letting me go on Facebook, nothing can be worse than sitting in a room with somebody you’ve know for years and not know who you are relative to them.
But I like me. And I like the pace I grow in intellectually and being introduced to things that I might like or not like. I carry with me the weight of boundless tears. The older I get the harder it is to keep them back, surprisingly. I don’t even know how I had friends because I saw myself as such a cold person. There was a lot of help I’ve gotten since that made me realize that having a child that is like me, should not have been passed off as nothing.
With the holidays having ended, or just starting, I can’t seek solace in my family. And I tried. I really tried so hard to connect back with them but I can’t seem to do anything to break down the walls they suddenly put up. So I spent some holiday time with my friends and the rest of it I’ve been alone. And being alone is fine. When I want to be…