Some vague spoilers:
And after all that, it was like giving labor to a baby that wouldn’t appreciate you and gave you the finger. 12 episodes of labor.
I screamed out loud, “What is this Neon Genesis Evangelion/Deathnote/SailorMoon/CardCaptorSakura/Matrix BULLSHIT?!” But I screamed it in the best way possible. Because, oh my God. That made me so sad, I am still sad. It was a really happy ending, honestly. The downside was, it was an incredibly depressing-happy ending. You know – A BALANCE. LOOK AT WHAT FORESIGHT THE ANIME PEOPLE HAD. BALANCE. RRRRRRRRRR.
It took 2 sit downs to finish it. My body wasn’t ready. I hadn’t heard of it, it was suggested to me by somebody who didn’t see it… shit.
I TRUSTED YOU. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DID THIS TO ME.
At least I learned a couple of words. I screamed to Andrew, “Hey! I know how to say 2 Japanese words: Soul Gem and Grief seed – Soul gem-u and Grief Sssheed!” (I’m such an ass.)
Some more specific spoilers, so… read at your own risk?:
I spent the entire series waiting for Madoka to turn into a magic girl. (As obvious as the genre is, no creative name, just “magic girl.” Doesn’t matter, it was easy for me to understand). Madoka, Sayaka, and that green haired classmate of theirs with the seductive eyes who ended up pissing Sayaka the hell off; I thought they were all going to magic girl it up. Noop. I never shipped anything so hard as Sayaka and that depressing, Ave Maria, violin guy. (I might have missed it… what accident was he in?)
I spent the whole time going, “Wow… this Madoka is whiny. I hate her. Cry one more time, ONE MORE TIME, and I will hate you forever.” But she is being prevented from turning into a magic girl because of Homura and Madoka only wanted to HELP. Holy shit, Homura. I was like, “This person, right here, is definitely the end boss for this anime.” She’s such a hard-ass, of course it’ll end up with Madoka beating the shit out of her.
I’m NEVER wrong. But I was so wrong. Threw me for a loop, especially the last 3 or 4 episodes when you find out that Homura was Madoka’s best friend but… in *that* timeline. Not *this* one. It hurt my fucking heart, I wanted to rip it out and throw it against the wall.
They pulled that Knights of Sidonia bullshit with me and it’s like: HELLO MAMI… BYE MAMI. I screamed at the TV. I screamed that this shouldn’t happen to me. She had the guns. And… then PEW PEW PEW. And she was always smiling and she wanted to help people. And then *Chomp* and that made me sad. Because of that I had no idea who or what the hell Homura was/was doing. Because she kept protecting Madoka, then telling Madoka to shut up and not make a contract with Kyubey. Even though she’d have freaking awesome powers. Speaking of which:
(Fuck that guy.)
Because, when you find out that the Soul Gems were actually the EVAs from NGE by design, you want to throw up because what made the Soul Gems was so literal. (Whoops, spoiler?) What would you do? Would you take the powers knowing that you would die as a result? That was some DeathNote shit.
The analogy: It’s like when you get an assignment from a teacher and they hand you the rubric and you’re like, “I got this. I understand.” Then you work REALLY HARD on the assignment, turn it it, and get it back with a C-. You go up to ask the teacher what you did wrong, they tell you the reason, and you say, “It wasn’t on the rubric.” Their goddamned reply is: “YOU NEVER ASKED.” THANK YOU MR. AND MS. INCUBATOR-SENSEI.
That little shithead Kyubey.
So, after waiting forever to see Madoka in that awesome magic girl costume she had designed, I learned why she shouldn’t have ever been turned into a magic girl. Because of Homura. But the main theme was tricking me into thinking that it was going to happen. DAMMIT. They never changed that siren’s theme. And I thought everybody was going to survive WHY?! The transformations were shorter than Sailor Moon’s and them, so that was nice. They all just exploded into costume and then weapons would fall out the yin-yang. Action! Action! ACTION! GET TO THE POINT.
Card Captor Sakura comes into play with the catching witches and then… something with the cards. I was 11 when I first saw it. The only episode I remember is they were on a school field trip and there was a cave and a ghost, but the ghost was actually a card… Yeah, you all know what I’m talking about. Besides that, there was the cute little Rin, yellow, bear dealy. MM had that asshole Kyubey, Sailor Moon it was cats, with Card Captor is was Rin, for DeathNote it was Ryuk, and for NGE it was… all those cute little angels? I don’t know. I am still not over NGE.
It was absolutely heart-breaking to learn that Homura had been time travelling to prevent Madoka’s inevitable death. It was torture, seeing Madoka die ANYWAY, in 1,000 different ways. And then having the downside of making Madoka incredibly strong and the only one who could defeat Wersh… Werhe… Worshtershire… Weirzengeist… Wergleflergle. So after seeing Homura dedicate that one month of her life over and over and over and then coming to terms with the fact she was Madoka’s own demise (not Wergleflergle, by any means. Red herring Wergleflergle.)
I’m sure there’s some dark physics/philosophy law that states something like, “No matter the path, the fate is the same,” and because I sit in a warehouse full of cremation urns, I know that the fate is death. You can try to elongate life, you can even choose to end it, but in the end, we will all die. Humans will die, magic girls will die when their Soul Gems become clouded because of the realization that 1) they are zombies and corpses like Sayaka was, 2) they cannot turn back.
But next to Madoka becoming the Big Bang, I think Homura keeping her memories is the absolute worst thing to happen to Homura. To know of a life that cannot “be” or never has “been.”
I have friends who want to be frozen and then come back when immortality is an option. I would not want to do that. Ever. Reincarnation? I dunno, maybe. But I will die when I am set to die and then that is what I will do. The immortal memories that Homura has … I would not be able to conceive of how hard that is. She said that she had known the secret of magic girls but that nobody would believe her and turn into magic girls anyway. It’s like that. It is like that for her all the time. And I don’t know if I could handle seeing my friend(s) die, over and over again, especially if I feel guilty and cannot prevent it. Try and try again.
I mean, Madoka became the Big Bang, with memories of all possible timelines, all possible beginnings and endings. Would you want that? To know, in some timeline, you could’ve gotten the person you loved, or the job you really wanted, or lived where you dreamed of? That is too much. That is living in this fantasy world (but I am a strong advocate for having a comfortable fantasy world) and not reality. Reality. Is. Now. As you read this entry, that is time of this reality you are spending. (And thank you for reading this btw 😀 )
The balance thing I find… it is the inevitable fate of humanity. We (as a collective group of… whatever you choose) always need somebody to blame or attack. That is what makes me feel the worst. Something I can’t change. Something that, if it did change, would become cyclical. There is a quote by a French guy (because I am the absolute worst at memorizing names) that stated something along the lines of: We are fish in the sea, and the sea creates waves over and over again. (don’t take that as a direct quote. Think of it as a washing machine. Spinning insanity. Then it stops.
I didn’t study history in college (specifically) but as a French literature major I read a lot of literature and finding out the context of pieces of work, you find cycles. Periods of unrest, peace, unrest, peace. So, the wraiths in the end… were just altered unrest. But complete peace is never an option. Although, that weirdness is for another post.