it feels like the end

I’ve had three seizures in the last year. That is a significant increase from the two seizures I had when I was 7 and then 11. So, 3 at age 22. So they have me on medication for it and I’ve only been on it for two or three days.

It’s called Kepra (at least the generic term or whatever) and the lovely side effects I’ve had to deal with are: suicidal tendencies and shortened temper. Like, Kepra enhances those side effects. I am a master of suicidal tendencies now. Thanks, modern medicine.

Though, I will always maintain this as a defense, the worst part is that I cannot drive for 3 months. And if I don’t have a seizure within those 3 months then maybe I”ll be able to return to driving. And after a year of no seizures, maybe I won’t need the Kepra.

I’m 22. I feel like I just lost my entire life. I can’t even get to work because there’s no bus route. I have to ask for rides. I haven’t had to ask for rides in years. And this isn’t helping me cheer up in the least.

Another thing I’m scared of is taking baths because when I was on the bus a few years ago a woman was speaking about seizures and how her husband drowned in the bath tub after having a seizure. “The doctor told that idiot, showers only. You can drown in 2 or 3 minutes. Idiot.” I can’t say that it’s a horrible way to go — I don’t realize I have had a seizure until I wake up from it.

But that thought is way too spoopy for me.

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